The Day Han Solo Finally Got the Tesla
It started with a turkey. It will probably end with a peacock.
And somewhere in the middle, James just wants to park his car without incident.
Lewis, Clark, and the 370z
About ten years ago, before the ranch was the ranch — before the peafowl, before Ted and Bill claimed the couch, before any of this — we were building our house in Texas.
I was borrowing James’ car at the time. A Nissan 370Z. I used it while staying nearby during the build.
The property came with neighbors. Not the human kind.
A pair of wild turkey toms had claimed the area, and because I am who I am, they got names. Lewis and Clark.
Clark was fine. Clark minded his business. Clark understood boundaries.
Lewis did not.
Lewis fell in love with the 370Z.
Not a passing interest. Not a casual admiration of its lines.
Full, committed, throw-your-body-in-front-of-a-moving-vehicle love.
If I tried to leave the property, Lewis would launch himself at the car — while it was moving — to stop me from leaving. He did this more than once. He did this on camera. My family stood there and filmed it, because apparently watching a turkey bodycheck a sports car is entertaining.
I have the footage. Lewis throws himself at the car twice in one clip.
He was not injured. He was not deterred.
He was in love.
The 370Z’s paint did not survive the affair. Lewis left his mark. Literally.
And that’s when James decided his cars would never spend a night outdoors again. Not once. Not ever. A policy that held firm for a decade.
Until it didn’t.
Enter the Peafowl
Lewis and Clark eventually moved on. And then — because it always starts out as a good idea — I got peafowl.
They have the run of the property and opinions about everything on it.
And from day one, Han Solo has had his eye on the cars.
When I brought home my new Land Cruiser last fall, it took Han exactly three days to perch on it. Three days.
Probably less time if I had realized it sooner.
But the car that really gets them going is James’ Tesla. It’s electric — quiet, smooth, no roar. Whatever the reason, all four birds zero in on it every time it comes out of the garage.
Han especially. He treats that Tesla like it belongs to him.
The Garage Incident
A few days ago, James accidentally left the garage door open overnight.
The peafowl had only been out of the greenhouse for a few hours that day. Just long enough to do a perimeter sweep and find the one thing they shouldn’t have access to.
I was sitting in the house the next morning, drinking my coffee, when I heard something fall off a shelf in the garage. Not a crash. Just a thud and a clatter.
The kind of sound that makes you set your mug down and go investigate even though you’re pretty sure you don’t want to know.
I stepped into the garage.
Han Solo and Princess Leia were perched on the Tesla roof. Just sitting there, side by side, like they owned it. Like this was always the plan and James had finally cooperated.
Morpheus and Neo were on the other side of the garage, on James’ CNC machine.
Just… exploring. With their feet.
And their complete disregard for James’ personal property.
Droppings on the car. Items knocked over. I ushered them out.
If you’ve never tried to herd peafowl out of a space they’ve decided is theirs — it is not a quick process. They’re big. They’re stubborn. And they absolutely did not want to leave.
But I got them out. Got the garage door shut. Cleaned up the evidence.
Then I went to go tell James.
The Inspection
James’ first concern was the car. Which — fair. It’s a Tesla.
But I’d already checked. Somehow, impossibly, there wasn’t a scratch on it. No idea how four birds with claws spent hours on and around that car without leaving a mark.
We got lucky. Really lucky.
The birds were fine too. And James’ reaction when I told him was… measured.
He didn’t shoot them.
The look on his face said he was weighing his options. I’m still not sure if the options were for the birds or the woman who bought them.
An open garage overnight could just as easily have attracted a raccoon — and if you think four peafowl make a mess, imagine that.
They saw an opportunity. Han had been waiting for this moment.
He finally got to sit on that Tesla.
And he brought Leia along for the occasion.
If you need me, I’ll be checking the garage door twice and googling “how to tell your husband there are two large birds sitting on his beloved car.”