My husband laughs at me.

I have cameras all over the peacock area. One pointed at the greenhouse. Two inside the greenhouse. At this point it’s starting to feel less like a ranch and more like a research facility studying the behavioral patterns of small feathered chaos agents.

But I wanted to be able to monitor things! Spot issues! Be a responsible peacock owner who doesn’t have to stand outside in the dark every single night!

Tonight, I thought I had finally won.

I got all four birds inside the greenhouse. Victory was mine. I was ready to update my LinkedIn with “Peacock Negotiator: Expert Level.”

I won a battle only to lose the entire war.

The Problem Was Inside The Greenhouse All Along

Once I got everyone tucked in, I pulled up the camera feed to admire my work like a proud parent on the first day of kindergarten.

That’s when I saw it.

The real reason Neo and Morpheus have been choosing rooftop camping over a warm, enclosed building with perches and heaters.

Han and Leia were making it very clear who controlled the perches.

Not the “oh they’re just establishing pecking order” kind of bullies.

The full “I will make your life miserable until you leave” kind of bullies.

A Brief History Of How We Got Here

When I first set up the greenhouse, there was one perch and two birds: Han and Leia, who grew up as siblings. They got along great. Zero drama. A peacock utopia.

Same with Neo and Morpheus when they arrived. Two birds, one perch, harmonious sleeping arrangements.

But when I put the two groups together?

Holy smokes.

It was the definition of “pecking order,” except it looked more like Fight Club with feathers.

The older birds let it be known, in no uncertain terms, who the top birds were. It was full Mean Girls energy—territorial, vicious, and someone was definitely not sitting where they want to.

I separated them with a divider. They could see each other every day but couldn’t actually make contact. Eventually, things calmed down. They seemed fine. I took the divider down.

I thought we were past this.

I was adorable.

What I Saw On The Cameras (A Documentary Nobody Asked For)

Han likes to monopolize Neo and Morpheus’s tree limb in the greenhouse.

Leia works in tandem like a wingman in a con movie, except the con is “make the younger birds miserable.”

Here’s how it works:

If either of the younger birds flies up to a perch, the older bird already sitting there starts to slide over to crowd them. Just enough to make them deeply uncomfortable.

If the younger bird doesn’t immediately leave, the older bird starts pecking them.

This usually causes the younger bird to fly to the other perch.

Where it starts all over again.

Eventually, someone gets tired, and the two older birds end up on one perch while the two younger ones huddle together on the other like refugees from a bad roommate situation.

Tonight, though, it escalated.

The Incident (Or: The Night I Yelled At A Bird Through A Camera)

Tonight it wasn’t just uncomfortable shuffling and light pecking.

Tonight it was full Fight Club.

Leia is not the sweet, worried mother hen I thought she was, but apparently a teenage bully with a grudge—was going after Neo.

And Neo was pinned in a corner.

Leia was laying into him. Pecking, pecking, pecking, like she had a point to prove and that point was “this is my perch and you should have read the fine print about hostile takeovers.”

I could only stand so much before I flipped on the camera microphone and bellowed :

” STOP IT, LEIA!”

You have never seen a bird’s head whip around so fast.

She froze.

For exactly two seconds.

Then she made a move toward Neo again.

“STOP IT, LEIA! ”

She froze again.

We did this two more times, like I was a disembodied voice of judgment raining down from the sky.

Finally, I marched outside, opened the greenhouse door, and physically pushed her off the younger ones ‘ perch and over to Han’s side.

Then I switched off the inside light, shut the door, and walked back inside.

The Part Where I Admit I Have A Problem

So here’s where we are:

The lights are starting to work. The peacocks are going into the greenhouse.

But now I know why Neo and Morpheus were choosing the roof over a warm building.

Because their options were:

1. Sleep outside in the cold and wind, but in peace.
2. Sleep inside where it’s warm, but get bullied all night by two older birds who have decided the perches belong to them.

And honestly? I get it.

If I had to choose between a nice hotel where the other guests kept shoving me out of bed, or sleeping on the roof where at least nobody bothered me, I’d probably pick the roof too.

I Have No Idea How To Solve This

I don’t know what to do.

Do I add more perches? Do I reinstall the divider? Do I spend every night yelling at Leia through a camera like some kind of ranch-based surveillance operator?

Do I just accept that my younger birds have chosen rooftop camping as a form of protest, and wait until it gets cold enough that they decide bullying is preferable to freezing?

I genuinely do not know.

What I do know is that I now have multiple camera angles of my peacocks being terrible to each other, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what I signed up for when I decided to raise peafowl.

Stay tuned. This is not over.